In an unusually candid interview the eleven time world champion pulled no punches declaring “no kooks allowed” at his high-tech wave pool. Slater said “I’ve always hated kooks cause they get in my way when I’m shredding it up. Sometimes I’ll want to pull air and there will be a fucking kook in the way so I have to do a cutback instead. I really shouldn’t have to put up with that shit.” He went on to add “Hey dads, if your eight-year-old can’t surf don’t bring him out in the water. I’m tired of losing fins when I run ‘em over.”

When asked to define a kook Kelly expounded “anyone who rides a foam board, anyone who can’t land airs, or anyone with a hipster beard. You can be a surfer or you can be a hipster but you can’t be both. Pick a team dipshit! And I don’t want Brazilians here either. They’re already two steps ahead of the rest of the world. If they had access to a surf pool of this caliber they would be unstoppable.” 

How does he plan to enforce such an egregiously unlawful policy? “It’s surfing. I’ll do what surfers do everywhere. I’m making sure there’s a locals only vibe at my ranch. Any kook who comes here will feel like a haole at Pipeline. You’ll feel like you don’t belong here and no one wants you here. It’s all about respect! “ 

Long time Kelly Slater pal Eddie Vedder had a different take on the ban on Brazilians. “Kelly has a beef with Brazilians because he prefers a woman with a hairy muff. Since the popularity of the Brazilian has spread worldwide finding the natural woman has become all but impossible. He blames the culture of Brazil for the destruction of the bushy vagina. To him it’s like destroying the rain forests. I should probably write a song about that. I don’t support the Brazilian ban but it will keep a lot of hair product out of the pool. “ 

When asked about surfing in the Olympics Kelly perked up. “I’m proud that my wave pool will allow surfing to become an Olympic sport. I just pray they don’t hire the same old fart judges they use in the WSL. I’m tired of people getting points for rail game. No one’s given a shit about rail game since the early nineties. It’s really all about big air these days but since none of these worthless kooks they hire to judge can do airs they refuse to accept that. “