Mark Zuckerberg - CEO of Facebook

Zuckerberg to make your profile information freely available to everyone. 

“Today Facebook joins the open-source movement! We’ve updated our license agreement to make all of your personal data freely available.”  Zuckerberg beamed. “Much of human existence is about the struggle between the haves and have-nots. Big companies with their high-paid security hackers have access to your profile data while the mom-and-pop shops in Nigeria struggle to hack our servers.  Where is the equality? The only way to fairly address this is to make all of our users’ private information public. Anyone who wants to know anything that you’ve done on Facebook will finally have access to it. This is a new day for equality!” 

Those worried about navigating such a vast pool of information can rest easy knowing that Zuckerberg has truly made it accessible to everyone.  “We know from posts we see that most of our users have low mental function so we’ve developed a tool to help dumb people navigate the data. Without any training you’ll be able to answer the most common questions like ‘Whose profile has my man been looking at?  How long will it take me to get to her house? Does her house have a security system installed? Where can I get a silencer at this time of night? It’s all at the tip of your finger!” 

Zuckerberg warned that attempts to wall up user data behind privacy guards will only make it more attractive to hackers.  “The hackers want your user information because it is hidden from them through privacy firewalls. By making your personal information public we have destroyed the incentive for hackers.  It’s win-win.” 

Mark believes this is a new era for Facebook.  “Right from the beginning Facebook has been about building an open and inclusive community.  One community we have arrogantly excluded is hackers. We have literally built firewalls to keep them out.  How do you think that made them feel? Here I am criticizing the president for putting up walls when I’m doing the same thing online.  That’s when it dawned on me. Firewalls are a form of cyberbullying! They say to our hacker friends ‘Get out! You are not welcome here!’  Well, it’s time cyberbullying came to an end! I’m asking the banks and the military to join me in this momentous moment and tear down their firewalls.  Let’s build a truly inclusive community online.”